Relationships are tricky. If you have ever been in one, which most of us have been, you have learned that by now. If you’re remotely normal, you probably want to find a person with whom to share your life. You might wonder if the right person is actually out there, and that is something to wonder about, but a lonely life is also a pretty miserable one. People aren’t really meant to be alone.
I’m the most cynical person out there, honestly. I am incapable of trusting another human being. I kind of trust my parents, but that’s about it. Everyone else has let me down. I would still like to find a nice woman and settle down, though. That is just human nature, I suppose. It isn’t that I want children, because I don’t; it would be nice, however, to have a friend who is legally obligated to hang out with me and make health decisions for me when I’m too sick to do so. The day will come, I am sure, and it won’t be a fun one.
You have to be careful, though. Your fear and desperation should not result in your picking a life partner who isn’t suited for you. A lot of people pick morons. They end up regretting it.
Here are six examples of people who realized they were dating—or married to—individuals who are a bit on the dull side.
1. The Girlfriend Who Cut the Avacado
This is not how a normal person cuts an avocado. However, this was the way someone’s girlfriend decided to cut an avocado. The pit is still there!
This is insanity. I don’t know if it is a reason to break up with someone, but it is a reason to consider doing so if you are extremely petty—which I am.
To be fair to the girlfriend, I have never actually cut avocado before. I love it, though. Until about five years ago, I couldn’t stand the stuff. I just wouldn’t give it a chance. Then, when visiting a friend at his place of employment, he put avocado on the sandwich he made for me. I have been hooked ever since. I had avocado at lunch, in fact. It was on a salad.
Unsurprisingly, some people can be allergic to avocado. What does surprise me is that I am not one of those people. After all, I am the guy who has been allergic to the cold since the age of twelve. In case you are wondering, an avocado allergy can actually be pretty darn dangerous, and the symptoms are exactly what you’d expect. There is abdominal pain, for example, as well as urticaria.
Can you imagine passing away because you ate avocado? It could happen! What an embarrassing way to go. Developing an allergy to avocado really seems like something that would happen to me. I lost a friend a year ago this month. He had a very serious heart condition, and he developed it after fighting a serious illness.
I’ll probably end up losing it all because I ate something that disagreed with my stomach; when people hear about why I passed on, they will likely roll their eyes. Actually, the salad I ate for lunch today disagreed with my stomach a little bit. I wonder if I should be worried. It was a good salad, though, so it was totally worth it.
2. The Husband Who Bought Too Much
I kind of want to make fun of this guy; I also completely understand why he did what he did. I have bought way too much food in my life, and tortillas are also delicious. You can use a tortilla in almost any sort of meal you’re looking to enjoy. We should perhaps be making fun of the person complaining about all of the tortillas.
One of the many reasons I’ve never gotten married is that I would absolutely do something like this. My wife would ask me to bring home “some soup”, and I’d bring home something like fifty cans. I really like soup. I actually really like eating soup for breakfast, and I don’t think that would go over with my hypothetical wife. I told my very real father recently, over lunch at a restaurant, that I like to eat soup for breakfast. I was ordering a bowl for lunch, and that’s how that came up. Anyway, he looked at me like I grew a third head. He wondered who eats soup for breakfast. I told him that I do! As you can imagine, the conversation that followed was quite stimulating. After the soup discussion, we went on to discuss a sitcom that started back in 1965. Have you ever seen “Hogan’s Heroes”? If you haven’t, you are not really missing out on that much. Frankly, the most impressive thing about that show is that it lasted as long as it did.
I did get the soup, though, in case you are wondering; it was mushroom, and it was delicious. Arguably, there was too much garlic in it. I think a lot of restaurants overdo it with the garlic, and that restaurant in particular definitely goes way too far with the garlic. I love hot wings, but I can’t stand that restaurant’s hot wings because they have tiny little pieces of garlic in the sauce. It is a totally unnecessary addition to what is otherwise great hot wing sauce. I should really consider writing a letter.
Back to the important thing—if you have never tried soup for breakfast, you should give it a shot. What’s the problem? Why are certain foods associated with certain times of the day? Soup is a great breakfast. There is generally some protein, and you can heat it up in the microwave while you wait for your coffee maker to do its thing. If I met a nice woman who also ate soup for breakfast, I would consider marrying her.
3. The “Makeup Remover”
So the story here is that a woman asked her husband to buy makeup remover at a store, and this is what he came back with.
I have a bit of advice for women out there. I have a bit of advice for anyone in any sort of relationship, actually. Unless you are physically unable to go to the store yourself, don’t ask your romantic partner to shop for you. He or she will probably mess up. Most people can’t read the minds of others!
I don’t date these days; as regular readers of my articles have probably noted, I am a bit neurotic, and that’s one of the many reasons why I don’t date. I am basically George from “Seinfeld”, except with more hair.
However, I am often in the position when I have to listen to people complain about their spouses and significant others. I hate it. First of all, no one wants to hear about your relationship. Unless I am your life coach and you are paying me a hundred bucks an hour, I don’t care. Second of all, people these days expect way too much from the people they are sleeping with. If you expect your partner to be able to read your mind, you are going to be very, very disappointed with your life. Finally, if you want another living creature to make you the center of their universe, I recommend getting a puppy.
Speaking of life coaches, though, that’s a pretty good gig, and I have considered getting certified. The average life coach apparently makes well over $40,000 a year; if you’re really good, you can make over $200,000 a year.
I don’t know that I’d make a good life coach, though. I assume a lot of life coaching involves telling people what they don’t want to hear, and I’m not great at that. I’d probably just say “you’re an idiot” several times a day to my various clients. That’s what I say to my friends, which is why I don’t have many.
4. The Wife and the Cable
In this case, a guy is complaining that his wife unpacked her new cable in such a fashion. She could have done a better job, certainly. I don’t think returning that is a possibility.
However, those packages really are a pain in the butt. It is like they are intentionally trying very hard to make the whole experience awful. I have an uncle who has bought products like this and hasn’t bothered to open them because he can’t figure out how to remove them from their plastic packages.
I asked him about it one time. I was in his car, and I saw a cable very much like this one on the floor. He said he couldn’t get the package open; since it only cost him $6, he decided he was not going to bother with it. I can’t figure out why he didn’t throw it away instead of let it clutter up his car. It is his vehicle, though, so who am I to comment?
Speaking of things that are difficult to open, why are there still cans that require a can opener to open in this day and age? Are those little tab things difficult or expensive to manufacture? I can’t imagine they are. Why should I have to own a can opener in order to eat food from a can? Those things aren’t cheap!
If you’re regularly eating food from a can, that’s a pretty good sign that your life isn’t where it should be. Why add insult to injury by forcing you to buy a can opener? In this case, inquiring minds definitely want to know.
5. The Potatoes
Technically, he did what was asked of him. Those are potatoes.
This woman should not be complaining. Men can’t read minds! Based on my experience, women can’t read minds either. I’m not dating right now, but I do have female friends. If they could read minds, they would know that calling me on the phone to talk about their lives is a pointless waste of my time and theirs. It isn’t that I don’t care; I’m not heartless. The problem is that their stories are boring and have no obvious point.
Furthermore, why are they asking me for advice? I am the last person anyone should go to for advice. I have literally been told: “That is the worst advice I have ever heard” by my friend of twenty years. He has told me that several times. Every single time he tells me that, I ask him why he’s going to me for advice.
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